Parents: Letting Go of Guilt

How are your children doing? If they are doing well, then I'm sure you feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting?

"I should have been there for them more."

"I should have been harder/easier on them."

"I should have been a stay-at-home mother."

"I shouldn't have spent so much time at work."

"I should have set better limits."

...and so on.

Yet most parents did the best they could, and continue doing the best they can. Statements such as those above only server to create guilt. And the fact is that if you had known how to do it better, you probably would have, so beating yourself up for not knowing better is a useless waste of energy.

But even if you had been an "ideal" parent - if there is such a thing - your child might still have problems. The belief that perfect parenting creates perfect children is a false belief based on another false belief - that we have control over other people.

There are two problems with thinking that you can be a perfect parent and that this will create perfect children:

All of us are in the process of evolving ourselves - we are a work in progress. Unless you are a totally enlightened being, i.e. someone with no ego, no woundedness, no issues at all (I have never met this person!), you bring your own issues into your relationship with your children. You bring your own conditioning, false beliefs, fears and desires for control over getting love and avoiding pain. Given that we are the role models for our children, there is no way that the will not absorb some of our unhealed issues. Even if you manage to treat them with unconditional love, are you able to treat yourself with unconditional love? And if not, they are likely to learn to treat themselves the way you treat yourself - no matter how wonderfully you treat them.

Children do not come into this life as blank slates. They come in with their own unique souls. Anyone who has had more than one child knows that each child comes in totally different, with his or her own unique ways of being in the world. Therefore, what you do with one child that seems to work so well, may not work well at all with another child. Unless you are very sensitive and able to be acutely tuned into each child, it is likely that you may miss the cues of what an individual child needs. Therefore, while we need to take full responsibility for our choices and for being as loving as we can be, we cannot take responsibility for a child's choices regarding who he or she wants to be.
If your children are not doing well, it is certainly important to do all you can to help. This means:

Supporting them in receiving the help they need if they are available for help.

Embracing your own learning journey. The more responsibility you take for your happiness and wellbeing, the better role model you become for them, regardless of their age. Even adult children can still learn from you how to start to take responsibility for themselves.
Feeling guilty for your children's problems not only does nothing to help them, it can even harm them. Your guilt indicates that you feel responsible for them, and they may be more than willing to blame you for their problems. Feeling guilty is a form of enabling, which is never helpful to anyone. While they are living with you, you are certainly responsible for providing a caring and healthy environment for them. But you cannot take responsibility for the choices they make - you do not have this control. If you learn to take loving care of yourself in the face of their choices, you provide them with the opportunity to learn to take loving care of themselves.

©Margaret Paul, Ph.D..

Regret Today

How many times do we say something that we immediately realized was not the right thing to say?
How many times do we look back on an event and think, if only I had....
How many times do we do something that we wish hadn't done?

You can't change what has been said.
You can't change a past event.
You can't change what has been done.

Do you call it regret, sorrow, repentance?
Do you think about what might have been?
Do you relive an event the way it should have been?

Forget about regret, and focus.
Focus on today, not on the past.
Focus on what you can do, not what you didn't do.

The only thing to regret is living in the past
The only thing to feel sorrow for is not living each day to the fullest.
The only thing to do to repent is to sincerely say, I'm sorry.

Don't live your life regretting yesterday.
Live your life so tomorrow you won't regret today.

--By Catherine Pulsifer, © 2007

Parable of the Pencil

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.

There are 5 things you need to know, he told the pencil, before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in someone's hand.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now change places with the pencil.
Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

--Author Unknown

If A Dog Was The Teacher

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps. Stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout! Run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

--Author Unknown

Ladder of Achievement

----------- 100% - I did.
---------- 90% - I will.
--------- 80% - I can.
-------- 70% - I think I can.
------- 60% - I might.
------ 50% - I think I might.
----- 40% - What is it?
---- 30% - I wish I could.
--- 20% - I don't know how.
-- 10% - I can't.
- 0% -I won't.

--Authour Unknown

Giving Back

Some people have a belief that every tree, when it burns, gives back the colors that went into its making - they see in the flaming logs the red of many sunsets, the purple of early dawn, the silver of moonrise and the sparkle of stars.

So it is with us;
what we have accepted into our hearts and made a permanent part of ourselves is given back in times of trials.

If you compared your troubles, or challenges, with those of others, you would surely find that there are those whose troubles make yours look like minor inconveniences.

--By Fulton J. Sheen

Ten Commandments of Human Relations

1. Speak to People.
There is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.

2. Smile at People.
It takes 72 muscles to frown, but only 14 to smile!

3. Call People by Name.
The sweetest music to anyone's ear is the sound of his or her own name.

4. Be Friendly and Helpful.
If you would have friends, be friendly.

5. Be Cordial.
Speak and act as if everything you do were a real pleasure.

6. Be Genuinely Interested in People.
You can like everyone if you try.

7. Be Generous with Praise, Cautious with Criticism.
Praise will win out when it comes to gaining friends.

8. Be Considerate of the Feelings of Others.
It will be appreciated.

9. Be Thoughtful of the Opinions of Others.
People love their opinions as they do their own children, calling them ugly won't get you anything but anger.

10. Be Alert to Give Service.
What counts most in life is what we do for others!

--By Author Unknown

Think or Worry?

You can think about your problems or you can worry about them, and there is a vast difference between the two.

Worry is thinking that has turned toxic. It is jarring music that goes round and round and never comes to either climax or conclusion.

Thinking works its way through problems to conclusions and decisions; worry leaves you in a state of tensely suspended animation.

When you worry, you go over the same ground endlessly and come out the same place you started. Thinking makes progress from one place to another; worry remains static.

The problem of life is to change worry into thinking and anxiety into creative action.

--By Harold B. Walker

Do Not Be Discouraged

When faced with failure, reflect on this Japanese proverb: "Fall seven times, stand up eight." As long as you keep getting up, you are not failing.

Those who learn how to overcome failure become stronger. Let's face it, we are all confronted with failure. The difference is how we deal with it.

Some people use failure as an excuse to give up, to become bitter, or cynical. Other people look at failure as an opportunity to revisit past decisions and to devise new strategies.

Thousands of successful people did not achieve success on their first try, but they were not discouraged. They picked themselves up and went back at it with an even stronger, single minded tenacity to achieve their goal.

Do not be discouraged if your plans do not succeed the first time. No one learns to walk by taking only one step!

--by Catherine Pulsifer

What It Means To Be Young

Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips, and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means the predominance of courage over timidity, of adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than in a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair - these bow the heart and turns the spirit back to dust.

Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the love of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing child-like appetite for what-next, and the joy of the game of living.

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt;
as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear;
as young as your hope, as old as your despair.

--By Samuel Ullman

There is ...

There is
no difficulty that enough love will not conquer;
no disease that enough love will not heal;
no door that enough love will not open;
no gulf that enough love will not bridge;
no wall that enough love will not throw down;
no sin that enough love will not redeem...


It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble;
how hopeless the outlook;
how muddled the tangle;
how great the mistake.
A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.
If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world.

--By Emmet Fox

Having Enthusiasm

Having Enthusiasm

Having enthusiasm in performing any task gives you an abundance of energy. Showing enthusiasm also motivates others around you.

An acronym for enthusiasm:


E nergy

N imble

T enacious

H appy

U nbeatable

S elf-confidence

I nexhaustible

A chievable

S uccess

M otivated

Put lots of enthusiasm in all you do!

--By Catherine Pulsifer

Better Days Are Coming

If you fear losing somebody you love
like rejection would be no surprise
even if they never said it out loud
you just knew by the look in their eyes
accept that anxiety is due to some action
we took while sleepwalking through life
we would be lying if we tried denying
we cause our own misery and strife.

There is a voice inside of our heads
that tells us of what is to come
deja vu turned upside down
is what it may seem like to some
whether it's foresight or just premonition
it leaves you feeling quite strange
whisper or shout, it allows for no doubt
that your fortunes are due for a change.

The cyclical nature of the human condition
prevents us from being at ease
it bars the door to the peace that we seek
it's a lock without any keys
hope and fear are two sides of a coin
a little like Abel and Cane
it's not every day that just one will hold sway
in the end it adds up to the same.

Listen to this then, if you should find
your emotions won't give you a breather
I'm telling you, dreams don't often come true
but the nightmares rarely do either.

--by Wish Belkin, copyright 2001

It's The Journey That's Important

Life, sometimes so wearying
Is worth its weight in gold
The experience of traveling
Lends a wisdom that is old
Beyond our 'living memory'
A softly spoken prayer:

"It's the journey that's important,
Not the getting there!"


Ins and outs and ups and downs
Life's road meanders aimlessly?
Or so it seems, but somehow
Leads us where we need to be,
And being simply human
We oft question and compare....

"Is the journey so important
Or the getting there?"


And thus it's always been
That question pondered down the ages
By simple men with simple ways
To wise and ancient sages....
How sweet then, quietly knowing
Reaching destination fair:

"It's the journey that's important,
Not the getting there!"

--By John McLeod

Be The Best of Whatever You Are

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley-but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass,
And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass-
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here,
There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do,
And the task you must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail-
Be the best of whatever you are!

--By Douglas Malloch

It Couldn't Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn't be done,
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one
Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.


Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.


There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.

--By Edgar A. Guest

Life's Mirror

There are loyal hearts, there are spirits brave,
There are souls that are pure and true,
Then give the world the best you have,
And the best will come back to you.


Give love, and love to your life will flow,
A strength in your utmost need,
Have faith, and a score of hearts will show
Their faith in your word and deed.


Give truth, and your gift will be paid in kind;
And honor will honor meet;
And a smile that is sweet will surely find
A smile that is just as sweet.


Give pity and sorrow to those who mourn,
You will gather in flowers again
The scattered seeds from your thoughts outborne,
Though the sowing seemed but vain.


For life is the mirror of king and slave,
'Tis just what we are and do;
Then give to the world the best you have,
And the best will come back to you.

--By Madeline Bridges

Influence

Drop a pebble in the water,
And its ripples reach out far;
And the sunbeams dancing on them
May reflect them to a star.

Give a smile to someone passing,
Thereby making his morning glad;
It may greet you in the evening
When your own heart may be sad.

Do a deed of simple kindness;
Though its end you may not see,
It may reach, like widening ripples,
Down a long eternity.

--By Joseph Norris

Keep Them Close

One day a mother died.
And on that clear, cold morning,
in the warmth of her bedroom,
the daughter was struck with
the pain of learning that sometimes
there isn't any more.

No more hugs,
no more lucky moments to celebrate together,
no more phone calls just to chat,
no more "just one minute."

Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away,
never to return before we can say good-bye,
say "I Love You."

So while we have it … it's best we love it .
And care for it and fix it when it's broken
and take good care of it when it's sick.

This is true for marriage … and friendships!
And children with bad report cards;
and dogs with bad hips;
and aging parents and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it,
because we cherish them!

Some things we keep -
like a best friend who moved away
or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that
make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important,
and so are the people we know.
And so, keep them close!

--by Author Unkown

How Old Are You?

If we did not know our age, some of us would appear to be very young, and some of us would seem very old.

Sometimes, people use age as a convenient excuse. "I'm too old to start something new", or, "I couldn't learn that at my age." Other people, though, go on to achieve their greatest accomplishments in life in later years.

Take, for example, Colonel Harland Sanders who started franchising his chicken outlets when he was 65 years old. Up to the age of 90 years old he traveled 250,000 miles a year visiting KFC franchises. He not only overcame personal and business adversities, but more importantly, he didn't let age stand in his way!

Feelings lead to attitudes, attitudes become beliefs, and beliefs become the basis for actions.


It is not important how old you are;
it is how you feel, how you think,
and what you do that is important.

To quote Satchel Paige, "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was."

--By Catherine Pulsifer

Our Lives In Money

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.


He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well", he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson", he said, "No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.


Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless.... and especially to those who love you.


The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

--By Author Unknown

Success Comes To Those Who Persevere

Although you may not be totally familiar with the geography of part of Maritime Canada, particularly with the absence of a permanent link between Prince Edward Island and the Province of New Brunswick, the thought of linking these two provinces permanently was only a dream. The transportation link between these two provinces was either by ship or, in more modern times, by ferry.


In order to link these two provinces permanently meant that many technological obstacles had to be overcome, but perseverance, the vision of a permanent link, paid off. The permanent linking was accomplished by designing and then building a unique bridge. The project began in 1993, and the 12.9-kilometer (approx. 14 miles) Confederation Bridge officially opened on May 31, 1997.


Forming an integral part of the Trans Canada network, the Confederation Bridge is the longest bridge over ice-covered waters in the world. Many obstacles had to be overcome including the tremendous pressure from ice along its pylons during the winter and the spring thaw.


The key to the success of building this unique bridge over a period of four years was perseverance. No matter the task, perseverance is the ability to keep going in spite of obstacles and challenges. Perseverance is the realization that challenges along the way are only minor detours on the march to success.

--by Byron Pulsifer © 2007

Home

Hope

Don't Ever

Don't ever be reluctant to show your feelings when you're happy, give in to it.
When you're not, live with it.

Don't ever be afraid to try to make things better you might be surprised at the results.

Don't ever take the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Don't ever feel threatened by the future take life one day at a time.

Don't ever feel guilty about the past what's done is done. Learn from any mistakes you might have made.

Don't ever feel that you are alone there is always somebody there for you to reach out to.

Don't ever forget that you can achieve so many of the things you can imagine.
It's not as hard as it seems.

Don't ever stop loving don't ever stop believing, don't ever stop dreaming your dreams.

--by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

Beginning Today

Beginning today I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.

Beginning today I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it. But I cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today.

Beginning today I will look in the mirror and I will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration.
This capable person looking back at me is someone I enjoy spending time with and someone I would like to get to know better.

Beginning today I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world and I will unselfishly share this gift with others.
I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.

Beginning today I will take a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges with courage and determination.
I will overcome what barriers there may be which hinder my quest for growth and self-improvement.

Beginning today I will take life one day at a time, one step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to succeed or my capacity to love.

Beginning today I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.
Regardless of what has gone before, I believe there is hope for a brighter and better future.

Beginning today I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences. I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
But I will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles.

Beginning today I am responsible for my own happiness and I will do things that make me happy . . .
admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a kitten or a puppy, soak in a bubble bath . . .
pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.

Beginning today I will learn something new; I will try something
different; I will savor all the various flavors life has to offer.
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.

Beginning today. And every day.

-- by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

--by: Mother Theresa, Source Unknown

If You Plant,...

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.
But
If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness.
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.

So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will reap
tomorrow, The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better, your
life or the ones who will come after. Yes, someday, you will enjoy the
fruits, or you will pay for the choices you plant today.

Touch a heart, leave a hope, stroke a faith
and lend a hand.

The Greatest Pain In Life

The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored.

--- To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all.
--- To have someone you care so about so much throw a party... and not tell you about it.
--- When your favorite person on earth neglects to invite you to his graduation.
--- To have people think that you don't care.
--- The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten.
--- To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.
--- To never get a call from a friend, just saying "hi".
--- When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.
--- For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.
--- When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you.
--- Life is full of pain, but does it ever get better?
Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need?

~~By Author Unknown, Source Unknown

The More You …

The more you give,
the more you get

The more you laugh,
the less you fret

The more you do unselfishly,
The more you live abundantly

The more of everything you share,
The more you'll always have to spare

The more you love, the more you'll find
That life is good and friends are kind

For only what we give away,
Enriches us from day to day.

--By Author Unknown

Recipe for Greatness

To bear up under loss;
to fight the bitterness of defeat and the weakness of grief;
to be victor over anger;
to smile when tears are close;
to resist disease and evil men and base instincts;
to hate hate and to love love,
to go on when it would seem good to die;
to look up with unquenchable faith in something ever more about to be.

That is what any man can do, and so be great.

--By Zane Grey

True Greatness

A man is as great as the dreams he dreams,
as great as the love he bears;

As great as the values he redeems,
and the happiness he shares.

A man is as great as the thoughts he thinks,
as the worth he has attained;

As the fountains at which his spirit drinks,
and the insight he has gained.

A man is as great as the truth he speaks,
as great as the help he gives,

As great as the destiny he seeks,
as great as the life he lives.

--by C.E. Flynn

Sad As Happy

If you look at something as being scary,
It is scary,

If you look at someone as pretty,
They are pretty,

The trick is to look at sad,
as happy.

--By Joe Brown

As You Grew

As you grew, no matter what happened we looked at the sunny side of life.
As you leave, take with you the wisdom to focus on the "good" in life!

As you grew, we helped you avoid unnecessary worry.
As you leave, remember that 90% of what you worry about never happens.

As you grew, we encouraged you to be open and direct.
As you leave, never lose your honesty with those whom you speak.

As you grew, we helped you find solutions.
As you leave, always remember there is a solution to every problem.

As you grew, we encouraged individual thought and action.
As you leave, continue to be independent and persevere when faced with life's challenges.

As you grew, we reinforced the value of family & friends.
As you leave, always make time for family and friends.

--By Catherine & Byron Pulsifer